Healthy Communication Styles: How to Foster Better Connections
As mental health clinicians, we often hear concerns related to poor communication: “My significant other just doesn’t get it,” “My boss is a jerk,” or “My best friend never listens to what I have to say.”
In this article, we’ve gathered some insights on how to improve communication and foster healthier relationships.
1. Do Not Make Assumptions
We all tend to assume that others understand what we mean, feel, or think when we communicate. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Each of us brings unique backgrounds, ideals, and responses to a conversation, which can result in differing interpretations. This holds true for everyone—significant others, close friends, and family members included! While there are always exceptions, it’s important to approach conversations without assumptions.
2. Be Clear and Concise
Being clear about your wants and needs is crucial in effective communication. This might seem obvious, but it’s surprisingly common for people to expect others to understand their feelings without explicitly expressing them. A common conversation that occurs in therapy:
Therapist: "Have you told _______ how you feel?"
Client: "Well, I was clearly upset!" or "They should have known I'd react that way!"
We cannot expect people to read our minds. Instead of assuming someone understands, be direct and clear about your feelings. This sets the stage for a constructive dialogue and helps avoid miscommunication. This may also mean we need to step back and piece apart how we actually feel. If identifying and sitting in your own feelings is challenging the next part may feel extra challenging.
Talking to a mental health professional, journaling, or pausing the heated conversation may help get clarity on your actual feelings of the circumstances.
3. Use “I Feel” Statements
While it may feel tedious, using “I feel” statements is an excellent way to express your emotions in a clear and non-blaming manner. A common mistake is using “I feel” when we really mean “I think.” Here’s a good example of a healthy “I feel” statement:
“I feel frustrated because it seems like I’m the only one who takes out the trash.”
Notice key aspects of this statement:
The phrase “I feel” is followed by an actual emotion, not a thought.
“It seems” introduces an opinion, not a judgment, which helps avoid blaming the other person.
The cause of the feeling is clearly identified.
This gives the other person an opportunity to respond constructively, like:
“I hear that you’re frustrated because it feels like you’re the only one who takes out the trash. Can I help by doing it more often?”
While not every conversation will go smoothly, “I feel” statements create an opening for healthier, more empathetic exchanges.
4. Avoid Passive-Aggressive Behavior
It’s easy to fall into passive-aggressive behavior when we’re upset or frustrated. Sarcasm, snarkiness, and indirect hints might offer a fleeting sense of relief, but in the long run, they only harm relationships. A passive-aggressive approach may look like avoiding direct communication in favor of subtle digs, like leaving post-it notes in the breakroom at work or expressing frustration through actions rather than words.
Instead of resorting to these indirect methods, have a calm and honest conversation about your feelings. For example, rather than silently fuming about your coworker’s dirty dishes, speak up and discuss it directly. Will this always result in a change? Maybe, maybe not. But clear communication is the only way to move forward and find a solution.
5. Steer Clear of Aggressive Behavior
On the flip side, aggressive behavior—yelling, name-calling, throwing items, or slamming doors—only escalates conflict and damages relationships. Anger is a normal and valid emotion, but expressing it in destructive ways will not solve anything. If you feel your anger rising to the point where aggression is imminent, take a step back. Pause, take deep breaths, and come back to the conversation when you’re calm.
If you or someone you know is prone to aggressive outbursts, seeking help from a professional is strongly recommended. Violence and aggression are never acceptable responses to conflict.
Final Thoughts: Healthy Communication Takes Practice
Healthy communication is a skill that requires practice, patience, and self-awareness. It’s rare that anyone gets it right all the time, and mistakes will inevitably happen. We are human, and that’s okay. The key is to stay mindful of how we communicate with others and strive to be more open, direct, and empathetic in our interactions.
By embracing these strategies, you’ll be better equipped to build and maintain stronger, more understanding relationships.
